Reflections from the emotional alchemy training program, ‘Finding True Self.’
The last words Master Brian spoke hit me square in the chest; “share from the authority of your own healing experience.”
In my own way, I’ve been wrestling with this notion of being an authority of healing. I had yet to accept that what I have experienced, the journey that I have walked that is uniquely mine, personal to me in every way, gives me authority to impart healing for the intent of helping others. Hard wired in the preconception that without the approval from another in a seat of authority, whether it be a diploma or accredited certification, I do not have the right to share. That I have no right in the cosmic order of things to claim myself as an authority of healing with the intention of helping others do the same.
Is it too personal? Too precious? What is holding me back from bestowing those healing gifts unto others, from helping those who seek healing?
I don’t know enough. I have not done enough. I have not healed enough. These preconceptions stifle the very authority that is mine to claim. Am I too in it, too attached to this path that is uniquely mine, thinking that my process is too rare of an experience to be understood? Thinking that I’ll be misunderstood? Thinking that I won’t receive the approval that what I’ve gone through actually matters?
Master Brian had more to share on this subject. In his own way he said, “give others the choice to decide what is right for them.”
The power of choice. That in itself is healing medicine. That in itself ignites consciousness in a way that drives a decision and turns vision into reality.
So what choice am I making? Thus far, the choice has been clear, learn from others on how to heal myself. This governing decision has been at the forefront of my healer’s journey since I stepped onto this path in 2015, and it is now, nine years later that I question the truth of this statement. I question because I feel there is more I want out of life that my current choices aren’t giving me. I feel grown in such a way that new vision has birthed and requires a stir towards a new direction.
So what is this new direction? Could it simply be a change in perspective? What if the choice to learn from others has now matured into the courage to teach others how to heal themselves?
My mind snags on the statement from Master Brian on giving others the choice to decide. Somewhere in the fabric of my consciousness lives this script that says, “do it my way. I know the way.” With a further addendum of, “if you don’t do it my way then you will fail.”
How about, if I don’t do what my parents say then I will be a bad girl? If I don’t pay attention and replicate the teacher’s lecture on my exam then I am a bad student? That if I don’t follow the rules governed by society then I will be shamed and labeled a weirdo. That if I don’t do what is expected of me based on another’s authority, then my contribution to this world will be useless.
Never given permission to fail, to make mistakes, to be messy or imperfect stunted my development as a human. Never acknowledging the very nature of learning, a teetering act of trial error, drove a wedge between my thoughts and feelings. Instead of seeking fulfillment within, learning to dance in rhythm with the ebb and flow of my emotions, I sought to know, to accumulate information, so at the very least I could present myself as intelligent whilst experiencing my inner state as a steady hum of short-circuited anxiety.
So it’s natural that I sought to heal myself by learning through others. The program had been set since childhood. The “other” offered a piece to my puzzle that helped me see through the illusions of belief I was carrying. Preconceptions I’d project onto others to see myself more clearly. Many projections I’ve claimed and resolved since stepping onto the path of healing, so now with this newfound awareness, what preconceptions do I acknowledge and what choices align me in the direction of actualizing new vision?
Throughout the course of this all day training, Master Brian bestowed another revelatory insight, “without clear vision, the duality of the good/bad habit nature will win out every time.”
“I’ll only do it if it feels good” has been a phrase I’ve lived by. “Go the path of least resistance.” Unfortunately, without a clear vision there is no direction, and without direction, choices will always default back to what is most familiar, and the familiar path may not produce choices in alignment with a vision manifesting in reality.
So what is my default? Well, in this case it’s choosing the direction that leads me towards learning from others. My mind seeks out opportunities in which to learn from another’s experience. What another offers me is a reflection, and what is created from the exchange alchemizes an awakening of personal truth to relational truth. The ability to hold both my own truth and the truth of another. To see how we are the same and how we are different. What’s more and perhaps the most revolutionary of experiences to date, is that when consciousness is concentrated in one’s own feelings, the ability to perceive oneness is actualized.
“I am me and you are you and yet we are the same,” mentality. This. This is true awakening. Living from this place of understanding naturally arises a vision of greater purpose. A vision that requires tremendous care and introspection. A daily dive into the feeling heart of oneness within one’s self, a becoming that is fueled by conscious choice. A cultivation of concentration to contain one’s life force into a single point of focus. It takes practice, commitment, and constancy, but I have aligned my choices to guide me in the direction of making Oneness Mentality my default setting.
Again I pause with the words from Master Brian, “share from the authority of your own healing experience.”
Am I an authority on healing? From what I’ve experienced, yes. I can speak to what I’ve been through and although the experience is uniquely my own, the human experience is shared by all humanity. My learned lessons are from a collection of archetypes not infinite in their teachings, although they may be infinite in how they are experienced. Stories are what drives humanity forward, into their own courage to challenge what is known.
“Give others the choice to decide what is right for them.”
I did not grow up believing I had a choice. I believed my role was to become what anyone needed of me to create peace. Yet somewhere in those depths of a self hidden behind preconceptions lived a truth misguided. Guided instead by the forces of the family group, the societal group, and the economic group I grew up under resided a truth that I am you and I desire the peace that oneness brings. By believing that others will fail if they don’t do it my way is a simple byproduct of not allowing my own self to make mistakes, built by the preconception that having flaws meant I was less of a person. Exhibiting signs of struggle meant that I was not working hard enough, that I had not achieved the result I was supposed to.
I could continue to choose this path, falling susceptible to the familiar allures of victim consciousness, or, as Master Brian shared, I could acknowledge preconceptions as an idea I’m having and declare differently. Choosing instead, the path of Master Consciousness. Having had a felt experience of the two, victim and master consciousness, that which aligns me closer to the feelings of oneness are that of the latter.
Master Consciousness is self-affirming expressions of positivity. “I am great”, “I can do this”, “I am deserving of love.” Declarations that lighten the spirit and viscerally lift the body out of the forces of gravity. These are the master’s tools, and this is the consciousness that turns dreams into reality.
“Courage is the middle point energy which lifts one out of victim consciousness and into Master Consciousness,” (again, Master Brian).
The courage to choose differently. The courage to meet one’s own life with honesty, to meet the depths of one’s deepest desires and create the choices that bring those dreams to fulfillment, no matter what. Mind over matter, will over means. Bringing heaven to earth.
“Heaven is the collection of humanity’s greatest hopes and dreams,” Master Brian spoke of his perspective of heaven. And I feel resonate to that statement. It takes courage to go against the grain of instilled preconceptions, these programs that govern our living conditions, and yet the task is not impossible. Bringing heaven to earth, vision to reality takes effort, requires energy, but so does suppressing the truth of our own happiness.
So what do I decide? What do I give my energy to? The choice of the victim or of the master?
Do I have the courage to acknowledge my preconceptions? To own the stories I’ve been telling myself? To be the true master of my own energy and create those choices that bring vision to reality?
Yes, yes, and absolutely YES!
It is not my responsibility nor my right to choose the healing that’s right for others. By giving others the right to choose, I am loosening my grip on a preconception of failure. I am opening a window for light to shine through. To heal this preconception, I must take action. When its outside of me I can truly see and face my perception head on. To become familiar with failure, I must get comfortable making mistakes. I must create actions that test the validity of this preconception and see it for what it is, a belief that is divisive and keeps me from living my most sincere desires.
What I am responsible for is living in true accordance to myself. It is my choice to decide when I am ready. No one aside from me has the authority to make this decision. Only I can claim my seat as a leader, as a teacher, a healer, and a friend. I am not perfect, I have flaws, I have made many mistakes and hurt people along the way, but does that mean I am not worthy to lay claim to my self as an authority of healing? Does that make me any less of a teacher or guide?
It has taken time to soften the edges of my own self criticism, to forgive and to truly see. By accepting my own flaws as necessary blemishes on the face of growth, I can nurture a foundation that supports my desires for experiencing the oneness of connection. I can and choose to create a precedent of equality in relating, a true reciprocity of giving and receiving. I can be hard on myself at times thinking that I don’t have it right, that relational conflict is the result of a wrong doing. But this is the very nature of what it means to be human, the tensions created in conflict have the potential to birth expansive conscious awakenings.
To the little girl who sacrificed herself to create environments of peace, can you see that conflict was necessary? Can you see that conflict helped open your mental capacity to accept a wide range of perspectives? That it is from this very growth that you now have the capability to mediate differences and bridge new understanding? That my truth and another’s truth are different by experience but the same because we are human? Don’t you see how incredible and important you are? How much more proof do you need of your own greatness and resiliency? Are you ready to own your worth?
As these words wash over and through me, I am met with resounding peace. From this place I create what I most desire to experience from this world. The love that has been growing inside of me as I’ve set my sights on awakening, is primed and overflowing. The vision I’ve carried for awakening myself has given birth to new vision and the steady steps for actualization. Teaching the healer’s way every day. Lighting up rooms with empowerment speeches. Channeling new growth codes through the familiar forms of mundane words. Making wisdom digestible and obtainable to all who seek a resonate healing. An embodied example, the student naturally rises to the role of teacher.
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