Photo Courtesy of El Quintana Roo
Monday, May 2nd, Tulum, Mexico -- I knew I was a wanderer having wandered on a whim to places not yet known to me. I learn a lot from the road less traveled. In 2018, an ayahuasca retreat in the Amazon rainforest. 2020 it was an artist residency in Nicaragua. Now in 2022 I find I have caught the wandering whim to Tulum, Mexico.
As I give space to reflect on past adventures, I am met with more depth of self understanding, particularly identifying the qualities of the shadow self. The expansion of hope and possibility when met with the reality of the executed leap awakens the shadow from her slumber. Her game is whispered subtleties of doubt and confusion. She’s fed when I question my decisions. I call her Susan (it was the first name that popped in my head, no reference to any person named Susan). Susan gets off on worry. Oh and she’s got things to say about everything. Hyper alert to the faintest fidget, the slightest misplaced sound sets her wheels turning. ‘What was that?’ Is probably her favorite phrase. She judges the way of the world against her carefully pruned set of standards. ‘If the round shape does not fit in the round hole, then the world is no longer safe to be in.’ She’s the queen bee of disassociating, often found spiritual bypassing as to not get too close to that which might annihilate her crafted understanding of the world. Susan’s rules are law, and if she doesn’t get her way, she’ll tie knots in her own stomach and work herself into a full fledged panic attack. Right on cue.
I can recall those moments of life-changing decision making. The euphoric rise from depths not yet attained, heart bursting forth with raw potential. Hope coursing through my veins, a palpable excitement buzzing beneath my skin. I thought what was to follow would be all rainbows and butterflies. I thought that I’d carry this feeling effortlessly into my adventures and only experience the highs. What I’ve come to learn as I ponder the past is that the lows are what defines the highs. And that to traverse to the meeting place of inner depth that expanded forth at the onset of the initial ‘yes’ means that I must allow for the full spectrum of experience to unfold as it does. For it is experience that IS the catalyst for expanding perspective. When I am met with the lows and chart the course of avoidance, it’s only because I have a limited definition of lowly feelings. I’ve compartmentalized feelings to those that I have familiar experiences with and are thus ‘safe’ and those that are unfamiliar are thus ‘harmful.’ Feelings are just feelings, we govern their meaning. So as I reflect upon the wandering nature of self that is equal parts scared shitless and inquisitively intrigued, I understand not only of the perspective of shadow; I’m coming to learn the qualities of soul as well.
Wandering to new places unfolds in equal measure the oppressed shadow and the rapturously curious soul. Leaning into new experiences ultimately heals the wounded shadow and feeds the adventurous soul.
I am utterly astounded by the layers of the archetypal self. Brimming with stories and dialogues since time immemorial. Carried forward in the recesses of the subconscious, echos of the past telling tales of human beingness. It’s ironic, and now I see it as plain as day, that the act of immersing in varied experiences today is the retelling of varied experiences of the past from a different perspective. This is my circle of life. Wandering the unknown is how I close the karmic loop.
What makes the decision to travel to Tulum different than the others, is I will be on my own. Before, I found a retreat or residency to be a part of, surrounded by community and a schedule. I found comfort in being lead, less responsibility, less ownership to speaking forth my desires. It was comfort that became my crutch, and as I leaned on the opinions of others to decide my way, I sank deeper into the recesses of my inner world, a dandelion coaxed by the wind. Filled full of experiences peering through the looking glass, I’d return home to extended periods of solitude; that was when the self work began. Integrating, sifting through storylines, recanting encounters, matching up what new knowledge I learned with knowledge prior, weighing the scales, parts of me dying, and waking up to a fresh set of beliefs. Closing loops. Making ends meet. I learned by observing, I got really good at seeing.
I experienced my desires by vicariously living out others’ dreams. That’s what I’ve come to realize these past adventures have gifted me. The chance to see the vibrant expressions of humans living free. That there are others who believe as I do, but unlike me, are actually living it as truth. They are embodied representations of the higher working order of self. Bold. Courageous. Devilishly fearless. I envied and I awed. The part of me that envied wanted their expression as my own. To me, they lived a rich tapestry of colors on display for the world to see. I envied them because they lived seen. Not yet realizing how comfortable I was living in hiding.
The Susan of me needed to see that there was another way of doing life than the one I’d been living. I needed to learn to put my trust in me. I did that by observing others living in their authenticity. Witnessing vulnerability for the sake of creative expression moved mountains in me. The reflections those moments offered live on in my memory, they are gems to bring out when I doubt that I too deserve an authentic expression. That I have something of worth to give to the world. That I too matter as a sovereign piece to the galactic puzzle.
The time of living behind my own shadow has come to a close. I can no longer in right consciousness doubt the validity of my existence, for to do so is to doubt the One who Created everything. Stepping into the light and taking ownership of my experience is a new and emboldening feeling, and yes Susan has her say. Sure, I feel excruciatingly unsettled at times, but again, a feeling is but a feeling. It’s energy in motion seeking an outlet. The work is in naming the feeling and directing its use creatively. Reminding myself that living from the director’s seat takes practice. Living embodied as a source of Light is living vulnerably exposed and free. Reminding myself that “both/and” have a seat within me. The spontaneously responsive adventure seeker and the terribly terrified anxious hermit crab. The observer and the observed. The dark and the light.
As I look out to the horizon for what is to come, I am filled with that initial hope. Hope that whatever experiences lie ahead for me are perfectly aligned with where I am at on my journey of life. Nothing more and nothing less. The past has been an insightful teacher, revealing the course of steps I’ve laid. I can study those steps and trace patterns, gain knowledge about where I’ve been and the trajectory of where I am going. It’s gotten me to find trust in the unknown because the unknown is already within me. I wouldn’t seek out the unknown if it wasn’t already seeking me. I find comfort in that knowing. I have faith in the natural order of things.
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